Have you ever pounded on the table and screamed:
“Why does this happen to me?”
Lamenting what holds you back is natural, but what if the constraints you face could be a source of strength?
Three remarkable individuals have transformed how I view challenges. Let me share their stories with you.
Story 1: Gillian, the problem child
When Gillian was eight, she struggled with school. Her classmates found her noisy and disturbing. Homework was never on time. The teacher told her parents she had a learning disorder.
The school was concerned. They sent her to a specialist to assess whether she should attend a special school instead.
At the doctor’s office, Gillian grew restless and started to fidget. Twenty minutes into the session, the doctor told Gillian, “I need to speak to your mother privately. Wait here. We’ll be back.”
The doctor turned on the radio on his way out. He whispered to Gillian’s mother, “Just stand and watch her.”
Something unexpected happened the minute they left the room. Gillian was on her feet. She moved to the radio music with natural grace. Her face beamed with joy.
After watching for a few minutes, the doctor turned to her mother and said, “Mrs. Lynne, Gillian isn’t sick. She’s a dancer. Take her to a dance school.”
Her mother hesitated at first but gave it a try.
The dance school in London became Gillian’s new home. She discovered a community: people like her who couldn’t sit still and used movement to think.
She started with classical ballet and then moved on to jazz, tap, and ballroom. The young lady learned it all, practiced every day, and flourished.
At sixteen, she joined one of the foremost ballet companies in Great Britain. Her talent quickly caught the city’s attention. Before she knew it, she was performing Swan Lake and Sleeping Beauty all over the world.
After about a decade, her ballerina career slowly came to an end. Part of it was age, but mainly because she discovered a keen interest in choreography.
She started her own dancing company, even though the field was male-dominated. Female ballet choreographers were rare at the time. Despite her accomplishment as a dancer, many did not receive Gillian’s transition with a warm welcome.
It didn’t bother Gillian. She loved the art and was too busy breaking new ground. She innovated, took risks, and pushed boundaries.
The challenging sequences she created departed from traditional balletic movements. Her work delighted the audience and impressed respected composers like Andrew Lloyd Webber. Invitations to collaborate on large projects began to go her way.
Another decade later, she became responsible for some of the most successful musical theater productions in history on Broadway and beyond.
Her name is Gillian Lynne. Heard of Phantom of the Opera and Cats? She was the musical stager and choreographer behind it. She came a long way from being the problem child.
“I believe that every child is born with unique talents and gifts, and it’s up to us to help them find those talents and develop them.”
Gillian Lynne
Story 2: Steve, the unlikely athlete
Steve was devastated as he walked out of the doctor’s office.
Basketball was Steve’s calling. His talent was evident. He dribbled like a magician. He was an excellent shooter. He was even better at finding creative ways to pass.
He asked what the heck spondylolisthesis was.
The doctor explained that one of his vertebrae in the spine slipped out of place and onto the vertebra below it. This condition led to weakened muscles, which explained the tremendous pressure and pain in his back.
The doctor’s conclusion: he should not play professional basketball after college. One wrong twist could put him out of the game for weeks — possibly forever. The risk was too high.
The most brutal fact Steve didn’t want to hear: the condition was degenerative. It would worsen over time.
This threat, however, did not stop him. He didn’t believe that was the end of his career — it hadn’t even started.
One thing became clear to Steve: he must approach the sport differently.
He started to ask new questions: What should he do differently? How could he become stronger? What would it take to thrive in a game that favors physical strength — something he had less than everyone else?
The doctor and physical therapist prescribed a tailored regimen at his request. Steve religiously followed the plan: He trained his core with discipline. He stretched daily. He re-learned how to run, jump, and pass to avoid injury. Little by little, Steve worked out a system.
He knew he had to create space and minimize direct contact with others, so he mastered ball handling.
He surveyed the entire court at all times during a game. His priority was to create opportunities for his teammates. Only when uncontested did he finish a play with a graceful finger roll or a long three-pointer.
While on the bench, he rarely sat in a chair. Instead, he laid on his back on the floor. That helped reduce muscle stiffness and kept him in the game longer.
Steve had a long and successful basketball career despite getting injured quite often. Throughout his 18 seasons as an NBA player, he made over 9 out of every ten free throws across 1,300-plus games. His three-point percentage was 42.8% (about the same as Stephen Curry today). Most impressively, he contributed more than 10,000 assists. Only a few players have ever done that.
His name is Steve Nash. He is one of the best point guards in NBA history. That is not bad for someone who almost gave up basketball.
“I’m not the biggest, fastest, or most athletic guy, so I have to do all the little things to help me succeed.”
Steve Nash
Story 3: Temple, the social misfit
Temple’s parents were alarmed.
They were expecting the two-year-old to be like her siblings. Something was off, however. There was no eye contact when they talked to her. Instead, Temple was busy flapping her hands. She repeated the exact phrases over and over. She sometimes spaned around in circles for hours until she got dizzy and could barely stand up.
The doctor’s diagnosis: brain damage. In the 1950s, that diagnosis meant they didn’t know what it was (she would have been diagnosed today with autism).
Temple’s parents went for another assessment when she was four. The doctor’s recommendation was dire: send her to a state mental institution. Eustacia, Temple’s mother, refused. It would be unbearable to lose her daughter forever, she said.
After hustling for options, Eustacia found a school meeting Temple’s needs. She also started Temple on speech therapy, which helped, but the success was mixed. Her classmates at school still ridiculed her for constantly repeating herself. They gave her a nickname: “tape recorder.”
Once at 14, Temple got angry and threw a book at a schoolmate. The school expelled her. Shortly after, her parents divorced.
Everything was falling apart.
After she got expelled, Temple spent the summer with her aunt. She discovered a deep sense of connection with the animals on the farm, who seemed to understand her better than the humans.
It was then that Temple spotted a funny-looking machine. It is known as a squeeze chute, which holds cattle tightly while they are examined, marked, or treated. Temple became fascinated. She wanted a similar machine to hug herself to feel safe and secure.
She started spending all her time reading books on machine design. As she did, her challenge in understanding text began to fade away. With the encouragement of a science teacher, she built a makeshift squeeze machine. It calmed her anxiety through her teenage years and young adulthood.
From that point on, Temple became engaged. Even though she was a slow reader, she graduated from college with a degree in psychology. She went on and pursued a master’s and doctorate in animal science.
Temple became a professor 30 years after she discovered her love for animals. In addition to advocating for animal rights, she pioneered humane and effective livestock-handling systems. Her designs helped reduce animal stress and injury. She spoke worldwide and raised awareness for autism and neurodiversity.
Her name is Temple Grandin. She is currently a faculty member at Colorado State University. In 2010, Time listed her as one of the 100 most influential people in the world. Her category: “Heroes.”
“I am different, not less.”
Temple Grandin
Takeaway
A British dancer and choreographer. A Canadian basketball player and coach. An American professor and animal advocate. Born in different parts of the 20th century.
These three inspiring individuals shared nothing in common on the surface, but an underlying thread connected them all: each was told there wasn’t a future. Their limitations were too overwhelming. Their control was too little.
None of them took the judgment as the final verdict.
What can we learn from them? I see five lessons.
Lesson 1: Go around the limitation
We face constraints at any given point: money, time, health, skills, or opportunities. The limitations are real, but they are not the problem.
The real issue is that we get stuck. We assume there is only one way to overcome the obstacle in front of us. That’s false.
Steve Nash had limited physical strength. He couldn’t compete on power or height with the big guys in the league. He would be a fool to do so.
However, building bigger muscles wasn’t the only way to play the game. Once he realized that, he uncovered other possibilities. He used his instinct to move the ball around. When he needed rest, he rested. He made layups when no one paid attention and took shots from a safe distance.
A limitation tells you one thing: you can’t go forward this way. It also means another: you can explore all other viable possibilities.
You are liberated when you see and accept your limitations as they are. You don’t have to run away anymore. You can experiment with other ideas that will help you get unstuck.
Life is a paradox. When one door closes, another opens — but only you choose to see it.
Step back and ask: What are the other available paths?
It’s time to get creative.
Lesson 2: Ask, “What Now?”
“Why” is an irresistible question when something goes wrong.
Temple Grandin could have dwelled on why she was autistic and anti-social her entire life, but she didn’t (at least not all the time). Steve Nash could have done the same with his spine condition.
Asking why something happens can generate insights, but spending a lot of time on it rarely yields a better answer.
The truth is we all inherit a set of circumstances. Most things in life are out of our control. Some people don’t try very hard and have it easy. Others work incessantly and still struggle.
Comparison with others, however, is a dead end. What you will get is anger, frustration, and despair.
The point is not about other people. It’s about you. Of the things you can control, what do you choose to do? How will you exercise your freedom?
When you ask, “what now,” you become curious. You shift your focus from what you lack to what you have.
Given your set of constraints, what are your options? What assets do you have? How do your past challenges offer a unique perspective? How can you turn your pain into valuable lessons? What does your gut say?
These questions move you forward.
If the road ahead is unclear, you can approach it like a puzzle. Start with the answers you’re surest of and build from there. Don’t be afraid to guess. Don’t be afraid to move on from a solution that isn’t working out. If you are stuck, put it aside and return later. It’s your puzzle. Solve it any way you want.
Focus on what you can do now.
Lesson 3: Develop what brings you joy
Gillian couldn’t have possibly planned her career. To her, dancing was captivating. The work itself was the reward. Opportunities emerged as she kept moving.
Even when others in the industry didn’t recognize her initially, she was too immersed in her work to worry.
When you do what you love, you become alive. Joy transforms your perspective. The energy is palpable and attractive. It’s life-giving.
You may say, “I don’t know what I like.” Then it’s time to discover. Take a class on something you don’t know. Explore art. Solve a new problem. Build, fix, or break something (you can do it gently). Make something useful or fun or both for someone you love.
You won’t like everything you try. Most will initially feel hard and unnatural, but some will leave an impression. Pay attention to those. If you worked through a difficult challenge but still want more of it, that’s a sign you are onto something.
You are off to a start if you are lucky enough to know what you love. Play with it. Dedicate time to the craft. Find inspiring work done by others.
Don’t build a grand plan. Just start. Get moving. Take small risks. Use your gifts. Follow what moves your heart.
Opportunities will emerge if you work on what makes you tick. I don’t know what they are. No one does. That’s for you to find out. Welcome to life!
Lesson 4: Accept help
Steve Nash couldn’t have played a competitive sport without medical advice. Temple Grandin couldn’t have become a professor, a speaker, and an activist without speech therapy from a professional.
We all want help, but we hate asking for it, even though intellectually, we know no one can survive on a lonely island. Nor do we have to.
As you embark on your journey, you will face roadblocks. If you look closely, though, help is usually close by, but only if you ask for it.
The universe works in a mysterious way. Help may come from a neighbor, a friend, or a colleague. It may be a conversation, a link to an article, or a passage from a book.
People are more eager to help than you think. They are waiting for you to take the first step. So ask, listen, and test the advice you get. If it doesn’t work, try another one.
For a long time, I refused to ask for help when I couldn’t find something in a store or something at home broke. It was such a simple thing, but asking for help seemed weak.
Now I do it: little to lose and much to gain. I highly recommend it!
(Conversely, share what you know if someone asks for help. It’s a small world. Things go around. You will receive more when you give.)
Lesson 5: Do the work
Gillian honed her Pointe work. Steve improved his physical conditioning. Temple practiced social skills. They did it every day, even if it was uncomfortable.
You can ask for advice, read books, and buy fancy tools. What matters most, however, is to do the work. This means to create, to act on the knowledge, and to keep trying despite the resistance.
If you are a scientist, head to the lab. If you are a designer, sketch. If you are a lawyer, prepare the best case for your client.
If you read a book, take notes. If you learn a language, speak it. If you sign up for a class, apply the learning in real life.
It can be scary to do the work. You enter into unknown territory. You don’t know what to expect. You also fear being exposed. What if people make fun of you? Will it fail? Will you look stupid?
Surely a few things may go wrong, but the better question is: Does walking your path matter more than staying put? Does the benefit outweigh the risk? Is the growth worth the price?
Every precious thing requires a leap of faith. It doesn’t mean we don’t fear. Instead, we go forward with the fear and be open to what’s to come. Every time we act, the path slowly reveals itself.
It starts with doing the work.
Conclusion
Next time you hear yourself saying, “If only I didn’t have this holding me back…”
Remember the lessons from Gillian, Steve, and Temple:
- Go around the limitation.
- Ask, “what now?”
- Develop what brings you joy.
- Accept help.
- Do the work.
Keep at it. You got this.
