Someday a couple of years ago, I went on to LinkedIn to do some research. A few college schoolmates’ profiles popped up. It looked like some of them became management at exciting companies, started their own ventures, or otherwise seemed to be something exciting.
“Good for them.” I said silently.
I wished all I felt was happiness for them. Instead, a familiar sense of discouragement dawned on me.
“Why did these people seem to have accomplished so much? In contrast, what have I been doing all these years?”
Hooked, I looked up more profiles in my network. The endless stream of information suggested by LinkedIn was irresistible. I went through more than 300 people’s profiles, even people with whom I had no connection.
The urge to keep browsing was strong. The mindless clicking continued. Was I looking for a model to follow, a path to move forward, or reassurance that I did not screw up my life choices?
An hour and half later, I felt more lost than ever before.
The Comparison Cycle
If I break down what happened that day, here is the cycle that repeated 300 times.
1. Look at other people’s achievements
2. Compare myself against those achievements
3. Conclude that I am inadequate, i.e., I did not do enough, or I made wrong choices
4. Develop a sense of despair, loss, and disappointment
5. Ironically, go back to step 1 again and repeat the cycle of misery
I imagine you might have had a similar experience. You are on a social media platform, at a dinner party or watching a video. Suddenly out of nowhere, you are triggered to compare career achievement with irrelevant people in your life.
Someone always seems to have it better. We see others doing meaningful work in a promising industry with higher pay and a better lifestyle. When the glamor is plain in sight, it is hard to ignore.
We all, to some extent, compare. Our brain is hardwired to make sense of where we stand relative to others in the social hierarchy. Successful people are not immune to this, either. It is funny to imagine this: A clerk compares to a manager. A manager compares to an executive. An executive compares to a millionaire. A millionaire compares to a billionaire. A billionaire compares to the 0.001%. The 0.001% compares to a monk who has nothing but leads a simple, joyful life.
Comparison does not stop with more achievement.
Inspiration vs. Comparison
It is important to draw a distinction between inspiration and comparison, as they may look similar at first glance.
If an NBA rookie looks at the best player in basketball history and feels motivated to practice a thousand free throws a day, that is inspiration. The rookie turns an observation of a model into energy to become better. He recognizes his weakness and takes specific actions to improve. He takes the first step — practicing free throws — to create his own path.
Inspiration gives us traction and momentum. It brings focus and clarity.
Comparison, in contract, saps our precious energy. It reduces our sense of worth, fogs our vision, and stalls our growth. It does not guide us to better understand our own purpose and values. It robs the time we can otherwise use to take steps to build our own lives. If you feel beaten, scattered, or lethargic when observing others, you are comparing.
Comparison distracts and burdens us. It brings confusion and misery.
What to do?
The good news is we have the power of choice. We can break comparison with nothing more than what we already have. Here are three practices have helped me tremendously in my own journey. I hope you will find them helpful.
Notice that you are comparing.
I learned this from my meditation practice. When we notice, it’s like we pop out of the bubble and say “Ah, I see what I am doing here.” This awareness creates a space between us and the thought. That allows us to see the thought with clarity.
The key is to simply notice the beginning of the comparison cycle. The practice is to observe thoughts as they happen without judgment.
It is tempting to analyze the thought, but there is no need to do so. There will be a time for that later if you wish. One tool I use when I ruminate on a thought is to say “Ah, yes, but not now.”
This step sounds incredibly simple, but it can be hard to remember. It is so easy to get caught up in thoughts. Yet, building the muscle of awareness is critical. Only with the knowledge of what we are doing in the moment can we start to take better steps.
If it helps, write down the observation on a piece of paper. With practice, it does get easier.
Recognize that you are on your own unique journey.
Imagine you are on a fully occupied flight from New York to London. Some of your fellow passengers live in New York, while others are on a connecting flight from elsewhere. When the plane arrives in London, some cheerfully begin their family vacation. Others go into a high-stake business meeting. Yet, some confront the reality of a sick family member at home.
While your flight passes through the same airports, no one on the plane truly shares the same origin and destination. The group converges, shares the same space for a few hours, and moves on with their respective life journey.
The people we compare to are the passengers on that plane. They have no understanding of where we came from, what we have been through, or where we are going. Most of them will have no bearing in our lives, whatsoever. Isn’t it silly to compare ourselves with them?
Remember this: We are on our own unique journey. We have our own path.
This idea is incredibly freeing, and I go back to it in time again and again. The power lies in the freedom that I don’t need to adhere to a route walked by others. I can accept where I am today, regardless of where I came from. I have the choice to craft my own path.
Even if you don’t know yet which direction you should head towards, don’t worry. The first step in the right direction is to recognize you are on your own path. If you accept this, you have already taken the hardest first step.
Next time when we meet someone who has achieved much in life, celebrate and be happy for them. Then say “Fantastic — they are on their own path. Now let’s focus on mine.”
Write down three things you are grateful for.
When you focus on what you lack, you lose what you have.
When you focus on what you have, you get what you lack.
— Effortless, Greg McKeown
Gratitude is an underrated and underutilized practice in the modern day, yet it is free and highly effective in grounding us. It reminds us of our many blessings. It transforms a mindset of scarcity to one of abundance. It gives us a new perspective.
There is so much to be thankful for. Here are a few easy categories if you have a hard time recalling:
· Material comfort: Food on the table, blanket that keeps us warm, and technology that makes our life easier (imagine your washing machine is broken!)
· Nature: Chirping birds, fluffy clouds, and a beautiful sky. Rain, sunshine, and clean air.
· People: Those we care about, and those who care for us. Think family members, friends, neighbors who have been kind, friendly and helpful.
· Experiences: Work experiences that stretched our brain, travel experiences that made us wonder, life experiences that helped us grow.
· Health: Our heart that keeps our blood flowing, our lung that supplies us with oxygen, our legs that allow us to walk, and our arms that allow us to be work.
· Mind: Most importantly, the beautiful mind that allows us think, create, and choose. No one can take that away from you.
Write down three things you are most grateful for today. This takes thirty seconds but can be the most productive thing you can do.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be creative, build my writing habits, and share with you the words you are reading now.