A friend of mine once said, “I will be happy when I pay off this mortgage. I will be happy if I am rich. I will be happy if I retire now.”
“What will you do then?” I asked. She tilted her head and paused for a second. Then she said:
“I haven’t thought about that.”
If we add up the instances that we humans start a sentence with “I will be happy if…” that number will be as much as sand on the beach. I will be happy if I get an A on that test, if I get that promotion, if I can afford that shiny new electric car.
This line of thinking is known as conditional happiness. Underlying this thinking is a sense of lack. You are not whole. You are behind. Something is missing. For many of us, conditional happiness is our de facto operating system. We apply this to all aspects of our lives. If only my friends are more attentive. If only my partners are more considerate. If only I win the lottery.
The entire advertising industry—which spends tens of billions every year — revolves around this single idea. You are not thin, fit, healthy enough. You are not loved, admired or respected. But, relax, your problem goes away when you own this. You will then be happy.
What they don’t tell you is how fleeting that happiness is. It may last a day or two. Many people spend months, years and decades — if not their entire lives — pursuing conditional happiness. Along the way, they endure deep stress, thinking that is the price they must pay to attain happiness.
Even if one day they do become a valedictorian, a high-power CEO, or a billionaire, that happiness remains short-lived and elusive. There will always be more conditional happiness to chase after — it’s a bottomless well.
Is it worth the years of pain?
Conditional happiness is an archenemy to true joy. When we desire what we don’t have, or try to control what’s beyond our control, we suffer from anxiety.
The biggest problem with conditional happiness is that you miss out on the present. You forget about the many blessings you have already received. How about the simple fact that we live? How about the brand new 24 hours of possibilities we get every day? How about the unconditional beauty of the world offers us — the sun, the trees, the clouds? How about the people who are already there to support you?
“When you focus on what you lack, you lose what you have.” Author Greg McKeown once says.
There are two ways of seeing the world. One way is that everything can be a wonder that brings you joy now. Or you can deem nothing in the present moment wonderful, so you must keep running into a distant future.
So next time when you catch yourself dwelling in conditional happiness, you have a choice to make. Do you choose the present moment or some future happy scenario that your mind dreams up?
You can only pick one. The two are incompatible.