Bonnie, a friend of mine, recently passed away.
Her funeral mass was held yesterday at the Oakland Cathedral. It was a beautiful memorial, with wonderful music played by more than a hundred musicians from the Oakland Symphony and a local children’s choir. Hundreds gathered to mourn, but also celebrated a wonderful life that left behind a legacy of service to the community. There were laughers, tears, and a whole spectrum of emotions in between.
I came to know Bonnie, and her husband Jim, through a small group at my local church in Berkeley. She was a charming, well-spoken lady who had an insightful perspective on life, service, and God. I remember a lively conversation we had at a potluck last September when she shared her experience as a life/career coach and found deep meaning in the work of helping others. Bonnie also spoke about her recent transition into semi-retirement with Jim, and how she was looking forward to dedicating more time to doing things she loved, including spending time with family and getting more involved in music. It was hard to believe, then, that such an energetic person’s life could end so abruptly in a matter of months, especially as she was just ready for the next stage in life.
A month or so later, Bonnie had an incident that took her to the hospital, and was unfortunately diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer by surprise. Shortly after, she stopped coming to Sunday mass, and Jim looked increasingly weary with his wife’s condition quickly deteriorating. Youali and I visited their house late last year when Bonnie was spending the majority of her time resting in bed. Though exhausted, she was delighted to see us, with a warm smile on her face. It was wonderful to see that she was surrounded by so many friends and family, but at the same time heart-breaking to know that her time on earth was going to be very limited.
Bonnie passed away on November 20, 2019, only two short months after the initial diagnosis. Jim managed to attend our weekly group meeting a few times since then. He shared the pain of seeing his most loved person fade away in her physical body, and he missed having conversations with her about everything in the world. As their stories were recounted, Jim couldn’t hold his tears. There was no doubt that he truly loved her with all his heart, and her death was such a tragic loss.
I have not experienced too many deaths in my life but reflecting on Bonnie’s death at the memorial really put things in perspective for me.
- Life is so short. We don’t know what will happen next month or even tomorrow. It’s so easy to get caught up in the daily hustle and bustle, and trivial things that don’t matter. I need to remember this the next time I get frustrated about the little things at work or minor annoyances in life. Would I have cared about these small things if there is only two more months left in my life? What would I be doing instead?
- At the end of the day, what matters is the impact we have on others. It’s not about how much money we made, how big our house is, or how much stuff we accumulated. None of these matters in the end. The more meaningful questions are: How have we changed the people around us in a positive way? Where were we when people needed physical or emotional support from us?
- There is so much beauty around us, even with death. I saw the incredible beauty of a lifelong commitment in Jim and Bonnie’s marriage. It was heartwarming to listen to all the stories about Bonnie’s younger days, and how she managed to create moments of connection with so many souls along the way. She encouraged others to grow, and be a better version of themselves. While death is often associated with pain and suffering, Bonnie’s stories were made even more alive after her death. There is so much beauty in that.